


Nirvanah: The Fifth Starbugger

by rimsyandnirvanah



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-10-29 20:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17814779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rimsyandnirvanah/pseuds/rimsyandnirvanah
Summary: This takes place immediately after the Red Dwarf VI episode 'Legion', but consider this AU.Not much can be said except this is my favourite pairing in Red Dwarf, RimsyxNirvanahtillIdie. <3





	1. Chapter One

Red Dwarf

Nirvanah: The Fifth Starbugger

Chapter One

POV: Acting Senior Officer Arnold Judas Rimmer

I sighed loudly as I sat at my station in Starbug's cockpit. That chirpy, gerbil-faced gimboid was causing a tear in space and time with his guitar. Kryten was busy scrubbing Lister's long johns while I was stuck here with The Cat.

As much as I dislike the feline, he has his moments. I'm still not fully used to my Hard-Light form. It's been two days since we escaped from Legion. It feels wonderful to be more human than ever. Well, as human as you can get from being a walking corpse. (A very healthy-looking one, I have to say.).

I was tired. Tired of Lister getting all the smegging breaks, tired of The Cat's idiocy, and tired of Kryten's smart-alecry. Since our encounters with both Legion and the Psirens, my thoughts have strayed back to a happier time in my life, back when we had Red Dwarf. Life hasn't been the same, no... Not the same since...

“Her...” That feline turned in his seat to gawp at me. “You say somethin', Goal-Post Head?” When I realised what I'd said, I shook my head and looked at the screens at my station, trying to look busy. “N-no...” Now, I'm not one to cry, at least not in front of others. I whispered her name. Life has never been the same since... “Nirvanah...”

That feline's ears pricked up. I could feel him staring at me. “You definitely said something!” I glared at the human moggy. “Listen, you jumped-up little smegger! If I said no, I MEANT NO! Leave me alone.”

I could feel the smug bastard's smirk as he turned back in his seat. I refused to look up, instead choosing to shut my eyes tightly for a moment, refusing to let tears escape and run down my cheeks.

I couldn't keep her out of my mind. We only shared a brief time together, but I was in absolute smegging bliss with her. But as my smegging luck would have it, she was my opponent in Dead Man's Boots. She gave herself up so I could have my dream, becoming an officer and holding a position of command.

I loved that beautiful hologram with all my smegging heart, and even though I cheated and she accepted that, I couldn't bear to live in a universe without her. She sacrificed her life-force for me, and in the words of that smug bastard Platini, I: “Did something equally unfathomable.”

If I could see her again, touch her again, just one last time, I'd die a happy smegger. Well, I'd die again.

I was thrown from my reverie when heavy bootsteps leading into the cockpit could be heard. It was Lister. There was a trail of liquid that followed him to his seat. I could tell it was lager. As if curry stains weren't bad enough! He sat down next to The Cat and tapped a few buttons at his station. Kryten wasn't far behind.

 

As soon as the mechanoid sat down, I turned to look at him and noticed his eyes widen. I glared at him. “Kryten, before you start babbling like the TV weathergirl on Channel 27, just tell us what you've found!”

The Series 4000 turned in his seat to look at us all. “Sirs, there is a Simulant ship ahead! I strongly recommend we go into Silent Running until they leave the derelict. I can only read one lifesign, it's extremely faint!” I growled inwardly, not wanting to leave my Hard-Light form, but also not wanting to deal with Simulants.

When Kryten keyed in the command for Silent Running, I noticed on my screen that the derelict looked strangely familiar. Just before the readout when dark, I whispered just one word that would change everything.

“Nirvanah...”

End Of Chapter One


	2. Chapter Two

Nirvanah: The Fifth Starbugger

A Red Dwarf Fan Fiction

Chapter Two

POV: Flight Commander Nirvanah Crane

I was on my bed, in my quarters when the cream-coloured walls turned a shade of blood red, and a shrill noise filled the room. It was the Red Alert. We were under attack. We haven't been attacked in over two hundred years! We have no weapons aboard this ship, the SSS Enlightenment is a research vessel!

I quickly got back into my uniform and fastened it before walking over to the computer next to my bed. I tapped on a couple of the keys and made contact with the bridge. Commander Natalina Pushkin's face appeared on the small screen.

Panic was clear across her face. Her Russian accent was in a higher pitch than usual. I spoke to her. “What's happened, Commander?” Natalina turned to look behind her for a moment and I could see crewmembers aboard the bridge running in a panic.

“We're under attack by... Simulants!” My eyes widened and I spoke to her again. “Simulants!? What do they want with us!?” Natalina hammered on her keyboard as she tried to key in a code. She slammed her fists on her workstation when it didn't work.

“Nirvanah, it's what we feared. The Simulants have transmitted some kind of virus to our ship. We have no way of creating a Dove Program, the virus automatically spread to our anti-viral software and eradicated it. The ship is completely disabled. Captain Platini has ordered a ship-wide surrender. We can't defeat the Simulants. I know we can't reason with the Simulants. This is... This is the end of the SSS Enlightenment's voyage.”

My heart leapt up to my chest, but I knew what I had to do. I closed my eyes for a moment before turning back to the monitor. “Natalina, is the Light Bee computer still operative?” Natalina looked at her screen for a moment before nodding at my image. “Yes. What are you planning?”

I sighed audibly, which was most unlike me. “Natalina, I want a Simulant's image in my Light Bee. I'm going to board the Simulant ship, undercover. I'm going to try and disable it from the inside.” Natalina shook her head, her complicated hairstyle not falling out of place.

“But, what can you do? We can't interact with anything!” I slammed my clenched fist next to the keyboard and growled at the Russian. “Natalina, who else is going to try something? I can inagine that Captain Platini and most of the crew of the Enlightenment are cowering somewhere!”

I watched Natalina hang her head and heard her release a soft sigh. She knew deep inside her projection that I was right. “Nirvanah, what do you want me to do?” I thought things over for a moment before answering my colleague's question. “I want you to activate my Light Bee and give me a simulant projection. You can do that, can't you?”

Natalina nodded and began typing at her station. I felt my light bee inside me vibrate into life and I looked at my hands as I saw them change before my eyes. Once they were slender fingers, one of my new 'hands' had a steel thumb, forefinger and index finger, while the others were human, but charred from experimentation. Even though I was but a projection, I had to quickly adapt to my appearance if I was to blend in with the enemy.

I uttered a couple of words to test my temporary Simulant voice which was coded into my Light Bee that my colleague had activated. “Testing... Testing... One... Two... Delta...” I grinned when my voice sounded perfect, which was ironic because I hate Simulants.

I moved my 'new' hand to my hip and sighed when there was no weapon. I knew I couldn't expect miracles. Natalina had done more than enough for me, more than her career's worth. I left my quarters and looked up and down the cream-coloured corridor before heading to the airlock.

When I reached the airlock, the door opened and I was face-to-face with a Simulant. Its red orb for a right eye widened and I knew I was in trouble. The machine grinned evilly with its metallic teeth, raised its sidearm and fired it, hitting me square in the chest. I fell to the floor on my back and coughed, electronic agony hitting my projection as my disguise disappeared and my red-and-gold SSS Enlightenment uniform returned.

As everything faded to black, I saw through my fading vision a figure wearing a quilted, deep blue jacket and that same figure snapping the neck of the Simulant. Just before my projection dissipated back into my Light Bee, I uttered one pained word through my ruby lips.

“Arnie...”

End Of Chapter Two


	3. Chapter Three

Nirvanah: The Fifth Starbugger

A Red Dwarf Fan Fiction

Chapter Three

POV: Acting Senior Officer Arnold Judas Rimmer

I was terrified, stood right behind a Simulant who had shot the love of my hologrammatic life. The bastard didn't know I was stood right behind it. Something snapped inside me, I was absolutely furious and distraught at the same time.

Without it realising, I'd grabbed its mechanical chin with both hands and wrenched the cybernetic head to one side with all the force I could muster. As soon as I heard the metal rods snap, I knew it was enough. I didn't care that I just eradicated the filthy smegger.

As soon as the act was complete, I'd grabbed her Light Bee and ran as fast as I could back to Starbug. Once we'd got back to our 'home', I'd opened up Nirvanah's Light Bee and hooked it up to Starbug's computer in the Science Room.

I had to go back to Soft-Light projection to save power and to prevent me from destroying every single computer terminal, which meant I had to leave Kryten to his work. While I hated the mechanoid most of the time, he was the only one out of the lot of us who knew what he was doing. I didn't want to go back to my station, so I sat at the scanner table in the main area and waited. I waited all smegging night long, but there was no message from Kryten.

I broke out in a cold sweat and feared the worst. I was terrified that she wouldn't make it. I could feel my Light Bee, my hologrammatic heart pulsing. I clutched my chest in an attempt to quell the electronic pain.

I'd blacked out and collapsed to the floor. When I woke up a few hours later, my vision was hazy. I squinted and saw the last human being alive squatting in front of me. “You all right, man?”

I groaned as I stood up. I didn't glare at Lister, I was too worried about Nirvanah. With a raspy voice, I questioned my crewmate. “How... How is...” Lister shook his head. “Kryters says he's still trying to repair the damage the Simulant caused. It'll take at least a couple of days, he thinks. You've gotta stay in Soft-Light so he focus all necessary power on her recovery. What are you gonna do if she can't be...”

I cut Lister off in mid-sentence. “Don't. Don't you dare. Don't you smegging DARE ask me that. I wouldn't ask you that if you were in my place. That's un-smegging called for.” Lister just hung his head, seemingly having understood. He knew that I wouldn't ask him that kind of question if Kochanski's life was on the line.

Lister silently left the room, heading back to the cockpit. I let out another loud groan before I walked up the metal stairs and into the sleeping quarters. When I laid down in the bunk, I instantly fell asleep, completely exhausted.

While I slept, my mind was plagued with the same event aboard the SSS Enlightenment over and over again. Even though I couldn't see it, I could feel that smug bastard's grin as he shot Nirvanah in the chest.

Even though it was just a dream, I could feel my hands on the Simulant's head, wrenching it to the side in one swift motion, snapping its robotic neck. After a few moments the dream changed to me back inside Starbug and pleading with Kryten to save her.

After what seemed like hours, I heard loud, metallic footsteps in the sleeping quarters. I growled as I opened my tired eyes, secretly thankful that I was thrown from my nightmares. I squinted as I looked up at the mechanoid.

“Kryten? It's bad news, isn't it?” The obsolete, DivaDroid Series 4000 looked at me before motioning to the doorway. “Mr. Rimmer, Sir, I suggest you come with me.” I got up from my bunk and followed the Series 4000 to the Science Room where Nirvanah was.

End Of Chapter Three


	4. Chapter Four

Nirvanah: The Fifth Starbugger

A Red Dwarf Fan Fiction

Chapter Four

POV: Acting Senior Officer Arnold Judas Rimmer

I followed Kryten down the steps and into the Science Room. When we got there, I saw that nothing was different, except for the numbers on the screens of the computers, which changed constantly. Kryten turned to look at me. “Mr. Rimmer, Sir, may I make a suggestion?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this...?” Kryten lowered his gaze a little. “Sir, I want to switch you off for a brief time until I can find a way for Starbug's power reserves to sustain two holograms at the same time.”

My eyes widened and I blurted out words before I realised what the stupid mechanoid had said. “SWITCH ME OFF!? KNOWING KING SLOB, HE'LL KEEP ME SWITCHED OFF PERMANENTLY! I MEAN, COME ON... WAIT... What did you say?”

Kryten smiled at me. “Miss Crane is ready to be switched on, Sir, but you MUST be switched off otherwise I won't be able to sustain you both at one time. You would never be able to communicate, interact, touch each other...”

I shut my eyes for a moment, knowing that the Sanitation Droid-cum-Science Officer was right. I opened them and nodded. “Do it, just don't let that slob near this station. That is a direct order.” Kryten nodded. “It shouldn't take more than a day, Sir.”

I smirked a little, feeling hopeful. “At least I won't have to put up with his guitar. See you in twenty-four hours.” I reached into my chest and switched off my Light Bee, sighing as everything around me went black and I ceased to exist.

 

POV: Flight Commander Nirvanah Crane

After hearing a loud hum, my eyes shot open. The surroundings weren't the cream colours I was used to. The walls looked black and grimy. My hand immediately moved to my other wrist and I pinched the skin to make sure I wasn't experiencing a glitch-filled nightmare.

I tried to stand and found my movements a little shaky. My light bee was working harder than usual for some reason. I span on my heel and looked at the dilapidated contraption in front of me. I sighed, but I was glad that I was alive.

“Arnie?” I looked around the room, trying to find my saviour. After about ten minutes of searching around the room, (ample time to get used to walking again.), I sat down on a chair and cried, feeling torn from him once again.

After a few minutes of silent tears, I heard footsteps coming my way and my heart leapt right up to my throat. When I saw the figure in the doorway, my heart sank in a spiral of despair. It wasn't Arnie. This man looked like he hadn't bathed in months. His clothes were torn, and I had no idea what kind of look he was going for with those dreadlocks.  
The strange man looked at me and took a few steps closer. I was instantly nervous, even though I knew he couldn't harm me, unless he either had a Holo-Whip or he knew how to damage my Light Bee.

He took another step towards me and he could tell I was scared of him. He raised his hands up to his chest to show he was unarmed. I still didn't trust him. I just needed Arnie. This strange man had a thick, Liverpudlian accent. Back when I was alive, I did research on various cities on Earth and their mannerisms as part of a language course, but that was a long time ago.

“Hey, hey, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm Dave Lister, a friend.” I folded my arms and glared at him, my nerves having subsided. I felt like this man was responsible for Arnie's disappearance. “Where is Arnie?” The Scouse lowered his gaze a bit. “Rimmer has been switched off. Not by me, it was his own request.”

My eyes widened. “Why would he do that!?” David sighed. “He was given that suggestion by our Science Officer, if he switched himself off, you could live again. Kryten worked tirelessly to bring you back to life.”

The name Kryten sounded like a name that a mechanoid would have. “Take me to your Science Officer at once. I need to speak to him.” David shook his head. “I can't do that right now, he's busy trying to find out a way to keep both you and Rimmer alive at the same time, sustain two holograms at once on limited power.”

My head hit my hands and I groaned. “Where am I?” David found a crate and sat down, still fixing his gaze on me. “This is the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship known as Starbug One. This is a scout vessel. We originally came from Red Dwarf, but she was stolen by someone we've been trying to track down for a couple of hundred years.”

I looked up at the Liverpudlian. “So, you've just been chasing this thief through deep space? How did you sustain yourselves?” David smirked a little, clearly proud with himself. It unnerved me. “Well, we mostly loot derelicts and stuff. We've encountered Simulants before, back when we had Red Dwarf.”

My eyes widened again. “How did you survive?” David put his hands on his knees. “We were in a place called the Justice Zone, and what happens there is if you commit a crime, the punishment is that karma bites you on the arse. Basically, the Simulant tried to stab me, but got stabbed in the back, himself. We got outta town and continued our journey.”

While I was processing this, I heard a noise from the room ahead. David stood up and looked at me. “Sorry, gotta go. Kryters will come and check on you later, see that you're running as you should be. Have a look around, get used to the place.”

I nodded at David and watched him leave before I got up and walked around the ship. After exploring the garbage disposal area, the cockpit, the kitchen area and the medical room, I found the sleeping quarters.

I found a bunk with Arnie's name on it. Someone had crudely etched the words 'Smeg Head' next to my dear Arnie's name. I glared at the etching before lying down on the bunk. Even though I had just been reactivated, I was completely drained at having to process my new life. I missed the SSS Enlightenment and her crew, but I would have given it all up for Arnie.

 

I passed out from exhaustion and woke up a while later. I looked at the grey floor in front of me and saw a pair of black boots with blue trim, a pair of navy, velvet trousers and a deep blue, quilted jacket with a red sheen when the light hit it. I looked further up to the figure's face with tired eyes and grinned happily, feeling all my stress wash away.

The figure leaned down to me and whispered. “Hello, Nirvanah.” My ruby red lips whispered the man's name and I couldn't fight back the tears as we kissed. “Arnie...”

End Of Chapter Four


	5. Chapter Five

Nirvanah: The Fifth Starbugger

A Red Dwarf Fan Fiction

Chapter Five

POV: Acting Senior Officer Arnold Judas Rimmer

I was so happy, Nirvanah was back in my life, well, my dead life! I couldn't smegging believe it! Kryten... Oh, that mechanoid with a novelty-sized condom for a head had found a way for Starbug to sustain TWO holograms at once, and me in my Hard-Light form!

The last time I grinned this much was when I was aboard the SSS Enlightenment with Nirvanah. It's funny how being dead can make you feel alive, isn't it? After we'd kissed, I'd grabbed Nirvanah's hand and pulled her up to her feet, excited to give her a tour of our old, clapped-out scout ship.

My delightful, hologrammatic partner wouldn't let go of me and couldn't keep the smile off her face. No smug bastard Platini, no more arrogant Holoship crewmembers, just me, Nirvanah, and... That's when it hit me. We weren't alone. We had to live with Kryten, Lister and... Oh, smeg... The Cat. I didn't DARE think how much he'd start flirting with Nirvanah.

I shook my head and looked at Nirvanah, a smug smile on my lips. “Would you care for a tour, Commander Crane?” Nirvanah grinned at me and nodded, but didn't follow me out of the sleeping quarters.

I turned to her, a worried look on my face. I knew I'd done something wrong. Smeg, I'd only just got her back! She laughed and shook her head, seemingly knowing what I was thinking. “Calm down, Arnie. Sit next to me.”

I sat down on my bunk next to her, our thighs touched and sent electronic sparks through me. She reached into the waist pocket of her uniform and pulled out an envelope. A lump formed in my throat when I realised what it was.

She turned to look at me for a second and then she gracefully opened the envelope, taking great care not to damage the paper, as if it was made of age-old parchment that had been restored in a museum.

After she removed the note, she began to read it aloud. “Nirvanah, I have decided to resign my comission aboard this ship. It's not fair that you were my opponent in Dead Man's Boots, but that's just the cards I'm usually dealt. I know you think there's something good inside me trying to get out, and, well, I cannot imagine any kind of life in this universe without you. I know we may never see each other again and I know that you all consider love an outmoded concept, but I fell in love with you. I know that I'll love you till the day I'm switched off for the last time, whenever that may be. We won't be apart, we just... We just won't be together. I couldn't record a message for you, what with Stocky's programming and everything, filtering out all the important words. I'm sorry it has to be this way. I gave myself up so you could live again. I'm telling myself that you're thinking of me, but that's just me being a selfish little smeghead. Farewell, my love. Arnie.”

As soon as she re-folded the paper, tears of light formed in her eyes and she turned to look at me. I instantly regretted everything that I'd written on that paper, but I knew that deep down it had to be said.

She didn't look angry at all. She smiled at me, with her gorgeous and glimmering eyes. “Arnie, did you write all this?” I gave her a weak nod, swallowing a huge lump in my throat, unable to speak. She kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear. “It was beautiful.”

I grinned and pulled her into my arms. My voice rumbled in her ear. “How about that tour?” Nirvanah purred happily and snaked her graceful arms around my waist. “I'd love it.”

End Of Chapter Five


End file.
